Recession 101:B

The balm to recession panic bandit strikes again on another Minneapolis billboard!

Recession 101:

Bill Gates created Microsoft during a recession.

So, there you have it, all of you out there with a dream! No reason why today can't be your day!

Bust Loose!

I read Busting Loose from the Money Game by Robert Scheinfeld about 2 weeks ago. I inhaled it. I bought it and 24 hours later it was done! Now I am going through it again, bit by bit, with a highlighter and making notes. It's consciousness technology for money basically, and will eat you up and spit you out. It will be your mind on drugs (remember those fried egg anti-drug commercials from the 80's?). You will hate it or love it, or both. But you will never be the same.

Due to my Matrix Energetics education and practice, it wasn't too much of a stretch since my boat left the harbor long ago, if you know what I mean. Yet it's raw power to transform and create a massive shift in not only your financial world but your entire life is stunning.

It had me feeling nervous for a few days. Then I said "Bring it on!" in the spirit of Rocky Balboa. (There's me, running in grey baggy sweats, up stairs and *gag* drinking raw egg smoothies.)

Since reading the book, lots of things have been breaking in my world. 4 (4!) kitchen appliances- rice cooker, blender, electric tea kettle, and stick blender. (I only have my toaster oven and food processor left.) Then my car broke! All fabulous opportunities to reclaim power as the author asserts. It's funny because I've had this metaphor rolling around in my head the past few weeks about how sometimes you need to completely chop the plant down to it's roots to get rid of the sickness. I was not thinking about it in my financial world, but I guess I was getting prepped.

Does this sound horrible or exciting to you? Read the book, if you dare! (Wah-ha-ha-ha!) Let's compare notes!

Big Loser

I am in the process of losing weight- 25 pounds to date! It feels awesome.

Having cleared and released the majority of issues in my life that contributed to the weight in the first place, naturally I arrived at this point. (Though don't get me wrong: there is always more power to be reclaimed and things to release as they rise to the surface. Healing is not a destination, it's a journey.) Now I am in the deeply profound experience of learning to love myself and create new healthy, feel good outcomes for myself now that all my energy isn't going towards hiding from myself who I really am.

One thing I've noticed is that it is all about alignment. Because I am feeling aligned with my authentic self, there is no reason to overeat anymore. What a breath of fresh air!

You can substitute being fat for anything in this context: gambling, cigarettes, binge drinking, sex, getting high, or any of those other things we all have done to distract ourselves. It just so happens that food is cheap, legal and easy to get a hold of, which is why it's the drug of choice in America. Lots of us get hooked young: it's a rare 5 year old who has access to a pack of cigarettes and a fifth of whiskey to numb her mind.

Unless you are Drew Barrymore. But I digress.

I'm just saying: there is a light and it just keeps getting brighter.

Wasted Time

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. ~Bertrand Russel

Tales from the Minneapolis Matrix

Back in July I wrote about the Matrix Energetics seminar in Minneapolis. I was pleasantly surprised when I hit the site a few days ago to see photos from the seminar posted. It brought back happy memories and there are some CRAZY photos of Dr Bartlett playing with seminar participants- all taken with a normal camera by Mina Bast. (OK, she is a professional photographer, but there was no manipulation going on at all.) Photons phasing in and out of this dimension or.... something! (The fun is not having to know!)


The comment I wrote on the feedback form (albeit anonymous) was posted too! How can I claim anonymousness? Well, anyone who knows me well will recognize my exuberant stream of consciousness style of writing! Check it out at http://www.matrixenergetics.com/ontour/.

Shattering the Limits

Book report time! A few weeks ago I read The Spontaneous Healing of Belief: Shattering the Paradigm of False Limits by Gregg Braden.

As a Matrix Energetics Practitioner, I am no stranger to exploring quantum reality, which is the foundation for this book's theme. What I loved about it was how well quantum physics were explained in a simple and linear manner- no easy feat when discussing quantum mechanics! If you want to dive down the rabbit hole, this is a nice and gentle one to start with!

Braden has got this great metaphor of the Universe operating like a giant computer. Essentially, the author postulates, if you know the computer code, you can rewrite the program (if you don't like what is currently running). That carries a ton of power when you play with that idea.

Hint: The code is found in our beliefs... but I don't want to spoil it for you! This and so much more wait for you should you choose to crack open the book and a new paradigm for interacting with your life!

Recession 101

I saw another billboard posted by the same person/organization as mentioned in the July post "Change your Thoughts, Change your Life". It said:

Recession 101:

No one can repossess your future.

I am so intrigued, and I love it! If anyone knows who is behind this, let me know!

Universe: 3, Me: 1

I love it when I get set up.

I've noticed this pattern in my life: I get a "thought" in my mind that I turn around for a few days, and keep coming back to. I may even write it down in a notebook or on the fridge. (My fridge has got a piece of poster board on it for just this purpose!) For example, a few days ago I wrote "Every time I feel discomfort it is an awesome opportunity to reclaim my power."

Then I bump into that message again in a book (or 3, because I always have a few going at once). The original thought will be expounded upon in much greater detail. (Case in point: A key point in Busting Loose from the $ Game book is built upon the idea of reclaiming power.)

Then I will find the message again "live"- ie, spoken out loud- like I did at Lake Harriet Spiritual Community this Sunday- but with a slight variation to give me additional insight. It can be overhearing a conversation, something I catch on the TV, a movie or elsewhere. (But who's limiting the Universe's creativity to make it's point?)

At this point, I am really paying attention! The message is everywhere! And.... guess what? Just to make sure I get the chance to really explore and play with the concept, it shows up! (Like my experience of being in discomfort this weekend!)

So I buckle up, and begin the process of really getting it. Then I notice how other people start to come into my world reflecting this concept back to me. Me + what I need to integrate = noticing it everywhere.

It is such a miraculous process, and it's happening all the time now. It's like the Universe (or Higher Self, as you will) says, Hey you! Break free from this limitation you have! It's not working for you! Then I am gently led through the steps until I come to a point of grace and calibration. Then I am off to the next thing. (No rest for the ascending! LOL)

I love the sense I have that everything is perfectly guided and how good it feels to just trust and go with the flow of things.

Maybe you feel it happening too. We are all going through shifts and a quickening of energy these days. It's so exciting!

Grace

Have a magnifecent Grace filled Sunday!

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall

My baby/toddler (16 months already!) is such a wonderful teacher.

Case in point: We have a silver Mexican mirror on the wall, with an arm chair directly below it. Anytime someone sits in the chair, she runs over and demands to be lifted up. Once in your lap, she then goes wild until she is propelled up high enough (a bicep exercise as she weighs 23 lbs) to see her reflection in the mirror.

Upon sighting herself, she begins to smile and laugh. It makes her so happy! Any mirror, any time- when she sees her cute little face and pudgy baby body she is full of delight and grins.

Why don't we do that for ourselves? Why is it so hard to look, really look into our own eyes in the mirror? I remember in years past catching sight of myself in the mirror at a party or a restuarant bathroom and really looking and thinking- oh my God, is that me?!? Lots of self help books say to greet yourself in the mirror, smile, and say hey! it's going to be a great day! to the reflection staring back at you. (Contrary to the usual where did that wrinkle come from? Is that a zit? My hair sucks! I am so fat! etc)

You can do some of your most profound healing work in the mirror. I forgive you, I love you, I accept you.

That's some of the toughest work to do. But I promise, the rewards are great once you break through and start connecting with the person looking back at you.

Once upon a time we were pleased as punch to see ourselves in the mirror- no judgement, no scrutiny, just radical acceptance and joy. My daughter models it for me multiple times daily. She's teaching and reminding me. I want to really get it so that I can model it for her when the going gets tough- or 8- and we can buoy each other up, faces lifted to the mirror, loving the image we see in front of us.

The Blessing of Broccoli

A little angel showed up at my front door the other night. I was sick, so I toyed with the idea of not answering, despite all the lights being on, the music playing and a front window shade up. But how rude is that? So I answered the door, and this girl explained that she is my neighbor and had been out at the farm picking produce all day. Would I like some free corn and broccoli?

Would I ever! I was a bit shocked- someone coming by at 9 p.m. to give me food? I live in a pretty liberal neighborhood in Minneapolis near the University so we have lot of visitors at the door working for socio-economic-political change, and I expected her to want a signature or pledge or something. Besides, it was too late in the evening for the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

She pulled her little wagon up to my door and let me pick out what I wanted- ears of corn and beautiful broccoli and leaves. Then she asked if I would be a drop off spot for her next week- could she leave a box or two of produce at my home to share with other people? Of course! I was still a little sick, and it was so surreal- a neighbor in the big city, wearing overall shorts, with a sunburned nose running around in the dark giving away veggies. I thanked her and put my bounty in the fridge. Then I realized:

This is how we feed the world.

The concept is ridiculously simple. Hello neighbor, I have this excess. Would you like it? Could you use more next week, do you have other people who could benefit? I will share what I have with you.

Amen. It all starts at home and I have the blessing and privilege to see it in the microcosm of my life. What would it be like to apply that to the greater macrocosm of our world?

The Love Challenge

There's a post-it bandit at our house. He's been leaving notes all over the place, but mainly on the doors. These notes proclaim sweet love and devotion (in Spanish!) not only for me, but for the baby too. There's just something special about hearing you are the stars that illuminate someone's journey in a sexy latin language- though in any language it's a great proposition!

I talked to my mother yesterday and she said she always remembers hearing about couples trying to outdo each other with kindness. I'd heard that one too (probably from her!) but it was a great reminder.

So let's start an all out love contest! It is amazing how things can shift with a little effort and a few sweet gestures. Tell the ones you love that you love them (and don't forget yourself!)

The Sickness Connection

I've been out with a cold for the last few days. I had lots of time to lay in bed ( I had no energy to do much more) and read and sleep. It was, for all intents and purposes, kind of nice. Having the chills, feeling weak and coughing up a lung or two were not so nice, but there is something comforting about being sick. The soup, the extra attention from family and friends, sleep, glorious sleep, cups of tea delivered to the room, letting the chores slide....

I can see how some people may "need" their illnesses to fulfill certain aspects of their life that are not getting enough attention!

Like getting attention. Or rest. (How many times have I called in sick from school or work because I was exhausted?) Maybe sickness serves in not having to take a risk, or face up to a perceived "harsh" reality. There are as many different ways that illness can serve us as there are people.

It's an interesting observation, and one I make without judgement. My illness allowed me to realize how I hadn't been nurturing my body very well, read The Practical Guide to Astral Projection (Whoopee!), finish a few other books I had started, and definitely catch up on rest. I was spoiled ridiculously by my partner, and had a sweet cuddling session with my girl who was sick too. (Anyone with toddlers knows cuddling while awake is a rare bird. Since walking she is always on the go.) I also have taken the concept of how illness serves (which was an intellectual one for me) and crystallized it (now I know deeply).

One thing I know for sure, illness, sickness or dis-ease is always a sign that something is not right. Our bodies are magnificent vehicles that consistently send us messages via warning lights- consistently ignored they develop in a sort of breakdown. It's a perfect system and I am grateful for this experience to focus more on assessing when I need a tune-up.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to blow my nose.

Dances of Universal Peace

A month or so ago at Lake Harriet Spiritual Community we had a guest speaker who orchestrated the Dances of Universal Peace. He explained briefly Sufism, which shed light on the practice of the Whirling Dervishes, who dance their way to an open heart. The entire "sermon" was participatory as he taught us a very simple practice.

The first dance we did was to face a partner and look into their eyes. (This itself is an incredibly powerful exercise, and you can try it for yourself. I am always amazed at what a sacred experience it is to look deeply into "the windows of the soul". It sometimes makes me nervous, which sheds light onto areas that I need to heal.)

Then we sang "The light is in everything." while moving our hands from the crown of their head and down the sides of of our partner's body. Then, our hands went to our heart and opened outward as we sang "The love in everybody." Then we bowed deeply to our partner with arms crossed over our chest, first to the left, then to the right while singing "Hu, Allah, Hu, Allah, Hu". (Allah, he explained, means God in many languages and is not limited to Islam.)

The groups of partners were arranged in a circle, so when we finished, we moved on the next partner (like a sacred square dance!). Sometimes only the men sang, other times only the women. Then we joined voices- quieter, louder, in a whisper. It was beautiful!

My memory may not be spot on for the dance moves (I've got 2 left feet) or the words (I didn't write it down). What I remember is the magnificent experience of being completely present while giving and receiving blessing with a complete stranger. Many times I teared up because it felt so powerful and authentic to not only acknowledge the Divine in my partner, but to have it reflected back to me, in me.

You can learn more at www.dancesofuniversalpeace.org

Bumper Sticker Wisdom

Don't Postpone Joy!

The X-Men

An ex boyfriend called me the other day. It was great to talk to him. After we had exhausted our how are you's and how's your mother/brother/sister/job/new partner it was time to say goodbye. Again.

During our phone conversation his light really shined! I had forgotten what a magnificent human being he was. Not the best match for me, but beautiful in his own radient way. It was refreshing to reconnect with this, because we all know breaking up is hard to do, and it's a pity that we spend so much time sharing sacred space with another human being, and then we part ways and tend to have bitter residual feelings about the whole deal.

It got me thinking about how love never dies. It always exists, even if it may change form. I have this image of how when we share love (with a friend, family member, lover, pet, or a stranger) we set off these magic sparkles that float between us in a cloud. When the interaction is done- a minute, a month, or a lifetime later- the sparkly love cloud disperses and begins to float up into the universe like a balloon on the loose. There the love continues to exist as tiny particles that energize the great fabric of the universe, forever paying homage to the love that once was.

Here's to you, Mr X- shine on!

The Polarity Pole

What's been showing up a lot lately for me is the concept of polarity. I've known this concept for years, but it must be time for me to really comprehend it, because I continue to bump into it in my reading of various books, my thoughts, other teachers.

Polarity. Hot/cold, rich/poor, black/white, good/evil, bad/good, male/female, right/wrong, sinner/saint, fat/thin, diet/binge.......

At first glance, the remedy appears to be balance. But there's something a little off (har, har) about balance.

You can always lose it, and slide to one end of the spectrum to the other, landing you smack dab in polarities again.

How to stop the precarious pole dance? Get nuetral. Judge nothing. Be impartial to what you want to label as good or bad, pleasant or terrible. Just be and allow whatever you are observing the honor and the space to exist- even if you don't neccesarily like it.

Easier said than done! It's amazing how we are always looking, labeling, judging and filing. The more I tune into this the more I see how all pervasive it is.

Better than Red Bull

I was working with a client on some "stuff" using Emotional Freedom Technique and Matrix Energetics. (For the record, "Padma" has given me the permission to share the following nugget.)

Essentially what came forth was that it takes an incredible amount of energy to not be aligned with your true self. Masking your identity, living and believing lies such as "I am not good enough, I am not deserving, I am a failure, etc" are incredibly exhausting. It takes a lot of work to maintain the facade.

It is like paddling upstream against the raging current of the river.

Enter lethargy, depression, and a general malaise about everything.

Not being in your power and aligned with what makes you special (including your dreams) = tired and bored at best. And definitely not fun.

We had a fantastic session. I was blessed to not only facilitate it, but to receive healing myself too. Boats pointed downstream, we headed off into the unknown.

Striken by the Clap!

It has been somewhat of an adventure to get my 15 month old to eat raw veggies and fruit. So for the last 3 months or so, I've been putting them on her plate at every meal, and trying, trying, trying again.

Yesterday I decided to try with some lettuce from my salad. The problem isn't her putting it in her mouth, it's keeping it there. So she puts the leaf in her mouth and I immediate start applauding, and making a very big deal about her eating this little piece of green vegetable. She started to clap too, and was pleased as punch to be the center of attention. Papi chimed in his approval too. She ate the piece of letttuce (thank you Jesus!) and I gave her another one. Again, racuous applause.

This went on for 10 minutes.

There we were, laughing our heads off, tears streaming down our faces because it was so ridiculous and so cute at the same time, and my child was eating raw lettuce!!!!! It was a series of blessed and perfect moments, all strung together with a flurry of hands.

It got me thinking- when exactly do we stop wildly applauding our children, our partners, our friends? Why can we do it for babies but not ourselves? Why not go over the top for a seemingly small accomplishment and be proud?

My girl took it all in stride. She accepted our applause, she joined in, and she was thrilled. I have no idea if she will eat lettuce again any time soon or how long the being motivated by clapping stage lasts. (I will guess not long enough.) It doesn't matter.

It was perfect.

The End

Last night at 3:48 a.m. I finished I'm Perfect, You're Doomed- Tales of a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing. I cracked the book open at 1:00 to read "just a little bit" before bed. I should have known better. I have this game I play- I will read until the end of the chapter. OK, just one more. Another and then I will go to bed. What's this? Only 50 pages left? OK, I am going to finish it tonight.

So I did. I haven't devoured a book like that since The Mistress of Spices was gifted to me (the fabulous S strikes again!) when I was pregnant. Nor have I had the time or energy, I may add. There is a reason why I read mainly non-fiction before bed, and even then it's a toss up.

I digress.

The book takes a downward spiral- fast. The writing is still brilliant, but the story doesn't. It is heartwrenching and terrible, despite the veil of humor and sarcasm it is delivered through. It touches on a lot of issues that are JW/cult specific, like having no idea about how to operate in the real world, social ineptitude, inability to make decisions based on being discouraged from all original thought, and the overwhelming desire to numb it all away when the guilt and the pain become too much.

I remember that no man's land very well- you can't go back because it would be inconceivable to return to prison and yet you have no idea how to go forward because you have no idea who you are, how you feel or what you want. Critical thinking and self knowledge skills are not encouraged and stripped away at their first budding. We were counseled against being independent, haughty, and making decisions without Jehovah God's help. Blinded by the light of freedom you feel paralized by fear, numb and broken.

Kyria's story is well told, honest, and a very accurate picture of the process of "leaving Jehovah". I am so glad she wrote it, as this story needed to be told. I have been wanting to tell it for a while now, and last night, at 3:48 a.m. I realized that my story to share with the world begins exactly where Kyria's leaves off.

The road home.

I'm Perfect, You're Doomed

In true Jehovah’s Witness fashion, a copy of I’m Perfect, You’re Doomed- Tales of a Jehovah’s Witness Upbringing by Kyria Abrahams was left silently on my porch, wedged between the screen and the front door. My friend, the fabulous S, also an ex-JW, had left it for me. Since hearing of its existence a week or two ago, I have thought of it often, eager to dive into the tangled web of growing up a Jehovah’s Witness.

It is all at once heartwarming, tragic, hilarious, horrific and sad. Well written, it explains in delicious detail the interior life of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Not just the rules (of which there are too many to mention here) or the rituals (3 weekly meetings + preaching door to door) but the mental processes (henceforth the title). I started reading it last night at 9 and now, 15 hours later I am 200 pages deep.

I started writing my own memoirs of growing up JW a few years ago. I didn’t get too far. How do you describe the incredibly complex reasoning systems with no basis in reality, the twisted view of life, death and the resurrection, and the effect of growing up in a glass bowl, nose pressed to the edge, looking at the world askew and thinking that the end of the world was right around the corner, maybe even tomorrow?

The author does it beautifully. I find myself reading it and wondering if any non JW’s would even get this. It’s so weird! 15 years out, and I have a little distance. And yet… it still feels like comfy (albeit sick-o) slippers, and strangely validating. Yes- this is exactly how it was! I will never need to stumble around trying to explain what it was like to have your every thought and action controlled (or attempted at least), to be a freak at school for not saluting the flag or making Christmas art, worried about mistakenly eating blood or being attacked by demons you let in your house from a garage sale purchase or a Smurf. Fear of dying a horrific death at Armageddon took up plenty of time too. (Concentration camps, fiery streams of lava, and birds pecking your eyes out were all popular images.) Not to mention constantly breathing the thick air of always being scrutinized, judged, and never, ever, EVER good enough. This book explains it all.

It almost seems too bizzare to be real.

So how does it end? I have no idea but I do know writing the book has put the author on the top of the apostate list- even worse than disfellowshipped, worse than the murders and the child molesters- she is slandering Jehovah publicly! I am quite aware that with this blog I am right there next to her. All I can say is Spread the Word!

By the way, if any non JW’s choose to read this please let me know what you think. I am dying for a “worldly” opinion. (Pun not intended, but it works!) Read it, shake your head in wonder, and laugh. I am.

Contractual Healing

Today I was reading an article in The Edge about how essentially we need to heal our sexual wounds to align with the energy shifts that are taking place. http://soulofthecities.net/2009/06/coming-energy-shifts/

I would say that we need to heal our sexual wounds period, because being wounded is a) no fun b) non productive and c) limiting to the enjoyment of life.

I know, because I too, was sexually abused as a child.

The author made a comment in regards to the contracts that we take out when we choose to come to the Earth plane, and experiencing difficulty of any sort is one way that we facillitate growth. Perpetuating difficulty is another element of entering into contracts with others. Some people go through their entire life being mean, nasty and rude because that's the role they have choosen to play, to help those around them work through whatever issues they want to explore.

I know, right? That's quite a concept. And it applies to everyone, including (I am going to make it personal here) the person who abused me. Wow. As a Divine being, he choose to perpetuate this act with profound and deep implications for both of our souls to experience growth.

It sheds new light on the subject, and also opens a space for various feelings: compassion (imagine agreeing to do something that would hurt another's soul, and knowing it would cause soul damage to you too!), forgiveness (it is easier to let things go when you know the person was acting in your interests or honoring your wishes), and gratitude (the final stage of healing- knowing that everything is working out perfectly, none of our experiences are in vain, and can serve us well if we allow them too).

The discussion of contracts is long and wide. So too is healing from abuse of any sort. These statements might sound crazy to you, or they may make you angry. I know I would have thrown the laptop across the room a few years ago if someone would have dared to suggest that I was a victim of sexual abuse because I wanted to experience growth and had signed up for it. It would have pissed me off for days.

But healing is funny- it can't be pegged and refuses to sit in a box. It is fluid and dynamic and can happen all at once, or in layers, as old hurts are pulled away, and new insights take their place. It is different for everyone.

Whatever stage you are in of your healing, I honor you and send love to light your way.

The Amazing Amazon

I am remembering today the Amazon jungle.

So alive, leaves bursting ripe, air hot and wet. Heavy it was, napes drenched, skin dripping, and lungs full. I loved it there. The million shades of green, the layers upon layers of foliage, a cacophony of sounds that was nothing but peaceful.

The trees with ancient roots, space within to create a house. The endless sky. It is rather, and quite indescribable.

Sometimes I think we get caught up in our self improvement projects. We make it a to do list- heal this, let go of that, create this and manifest that. And then there are places, magical spaces where you just show up and are healed and are in perfect harmony with All That Is.

This is one of them.

A Crash Course

On Sunday at Lake Harriet Spiritual Community the topic was conflict resolution. I have to admit, I missed that set of skills as a child. I grew up in a "my way or the highway" household. As a peacekeeping Libra, I didn't even dare create conflict.

This beautiful woman got up and shared an experience she had, based on 2 simple and yet so powerful questions from A Course in Miracles:

Is it love or a cry for love?
Do I want to be right or be happy?

She came home after school very excited to see her mother. "Hi Mom!" Her mother replied with "You're looking fat." She paused, weighing (no pun intended!) the situation. (Do I want to be right? Or happy? Is this a cry for love, or love?) and said "You are right. I think I have gained some weight. Now that you mention it, things are fitting a little tighter. But look at you! You look fabulous! How do you do it?"

WOW. I am so inspired by that story. I am pretty sure that I would not meet the "you are fat" comment with the same grace. Or even come close to it.

Today I got a perfect opportunity to try it out for myself with my partner. No, he didn't tell me I was looking fat, but he did take something I said personally because I didn't say it in a way that he needed to hear it. Instead of getting into ALL OF THAT STUFF, I just said, "I am so sorry I said it wrong. I will say it this way next time. Let's do things differently next time."

It worked beautifully.

Yin-Yang

I love this saying I read once in a Buddhist Meditation magazine:

You are perfect exactly the way you are.

And you could use a little work.

Sweep it Away!

Every once in a while I will be in the middle of some mundane activity like washing dishes or vacuuming and I will drop in and eavesdrop on my thoughts. I have become pretty good at paying attention to my thoughts and guiding them to where I want my conciousness to reside (in love, peace, transformation, gratitude, abundance) and away from the gunk (fear, criticism, absence of love, negativity, lack). There is always room for improvement, and moments in which I am not aligned with love. It's all part of the journey and a wonderful opportunity to move back to where I want to be- feeling good.

The other day I was sweeping and realized that sometimes I dredge up critical comments that people have made about me or invent criticisms I think they might be saying or thinking about me right now. While that is a) not useful to staying in the present moment, it is also b) ridiculous. This I know.

What I didn't realize is that I do this when I am being critical of me. It's like I was looking for a scape goat to voice my cricism so I could feel bad about what someone else said (and not necessarily what I say about myself). It is always triggered by me wanting to self criticise. By moving a few layers deeper, I can find what I am upset with myself for.

What I love about my work is that when there is a pattern that doesn't belong, it can be easily shifted with a variety of tools that I use to facillitate healing on all levels: emotional, spiritual, physical and mental. Since it's all connected anyway, one affects all the others. Talk about a rich opportunity to practice what I preach! So right there in the middle of the dining room floor with broom in hand, I used Matrix Energetics to release the pattern.

These days, I am feeling softer with myself, more forgiving, and less willing to invest energy in labeling what I do (or don't do). When memories of crappy statements from myself or others surface I tell myself only I can decide if they are true or not. (This echoes the magnificant work The Four Agreements, which I have a hankering to reread again.) Since I know that I am always changing, nothing sticks anymore.

I am rubber, you're glue...

ZLB me!

Here's a little story that I remembered when I drove past the ZLB Plasma Donation Services the other day.

I used to donate plasma and participate in medical research studies. Two years ago, I found myself fired (a-hem, dismissed) and not a whole lot of $ in the bank. I decided to start donating plasma again because it would buy groceries and daily essentials for me while I was looking for work.

I went to ZLB (I didn't have a car in those days, so I took two buses to get there) and after an hour wait was informed that I hadn't donated in so long that I need to re-establish my account and bring in a Social Security card and proof of address (which I didn't have with me). Slightly discouraged I returned home with plans of coming back the next day.

My next attempt was foiled when I arrived with documents in hand but was told that they were closing early that day for in-house training and had just taken the last donors of the day. Grrrrr.

Take 3- I had a friend's car that day, and drove (such a treat in those days when I lived downtown and didn't have a car) to ZLB. The parking lot was full. I asked the angels to get me a parking spot in the very busy and full lot. The angels never have failed me at parking spots. I waited and waited and nothing. I drove around a few minutes looking for another spot around the block. Usually, the angels need a max of 2 or 3 minutes for a spot. They are pretty fast. Yet, nothing. I waited about 10 minutes.

Then I realized how incredibly blocked I had been in my attempts. It was like no matter what, I couldn't get it together to donate plasma. 3 times in a row! "OK angels, if I am not supposed to be here, then let me know!" No sign did come, except neither did a parking spot. So I left, a little frustrated but not willing to fight against the current that wasn't allowing me to donate either. I had already spent a lot of time and energy trying to make it work.

2 weeks later I found out that I had been a week pregnant.